"Are you in needing of healing?"

That's the question Todd Bentley of FreshFireUSA ministries asked in his recent advert on FaceBook and Instagram.

Recently, "Bam Bam" Bentley advertised that you can buy his healing prayers so you can get miraculously healed. So if you want your kicked-in face to be healed, Todd's merchandise can heal you! Aren't you glad Todd Bentley can sell you his supernatural healing prayers on iTunes?

Bentley writes,

Are you in needing of healing? The voice of Healing anointed Healing prayers with song CD is available. We have receive Incredible testimonies of healing from our soaking healing CD. Get the Voice of Healing now available on iTunes! http://bit.ly/1gijMy6 and sample all other music by Todd Bentley on iTunes as well. Use the direct link above.

Proof_InstagramToddBentleySellsHealingPrayers_01-03-2015

From: https://instagram.com/p/zrWib5tFyZ/

So much for the free gifts of the Holy Spirit being free.

“The Spirit and the bride say, “Come!” And let the one who hears say, “Come!” Let the one who is thirsty come; and let the one who wishes take the free gift of the water of life.”

— Revelations 22:17

Do you have a sick "personal relationship" with Jesus like this?

This is what happens when people take their personal experiences and IHOP's false Bridal Paradigm too far. This is Brandon Barthrop from Red Letter Ministries (RLM) who holds his church services in a former crackhouse in Minnesota. (You can hear his wife Penny in the background.)

(Warning: MA - explicit language and disturbing sexual references.)

This is Barthrop's excuse for the above video:

“WARNING! This video is a parable! NOT to be taken literally. The language in this video is symbolic! Glory! Having spiritual sex with Jesus should be just as normal to Christians as breathing, since we are 1 spirit. Intimacy has been so religiousized by demons, so let us break the barriers into the reality of what intimacy is: sexual union. The entire bridal paradigm and the mystery of marriage and consummation etc. that is in the natural is all symbolic of the ultimate union with God. Sex between a man and women in the marriage covenant is the physical manifestation of the spiritual marriage and spiritual sex between the Christian and their Lord. Glory! Orgasmic glory is here to stay as the Lord will never issue us a divorce certificate! Hallelujah! For more orgasmic glory visit Red Letter Ministries online garden: http://RedLetterMin.com/”"

C3 church leaders and staff "shake it off"?

THIS is what we expect from today's highly competent church leaders: wasting lot's of time, effort and money making lip-syncing videos to Taylor Swift songs!  

(Warning: some people may find this video offensive; most will find it embarrassing.)

ESPN Sports Center-like "Church" Entertainment

What function does this Sports Center-Like entertainment fulfill in a Christian Church service? Does it draw people closer to Jesus? Does it help them understand sound Biblical doctrine? Is it a form of prayer or Christian fellowship? What is its function? Embarrassment? Utter foolishness? Is this to demonstrate how to live in a pathetic fantasy world where you get to pretend you're just like the "real" world of celebrities and TV hosts?? Even though you're not???

City Harvest Church caught in a bad... bromance

City Harvest Church in Singapore singing and dancing about their relationship with Jesus. This is the church that bought you Pastrix Sun Ho (a.k.a. "Geisha"). On the plus side, where have you ever before heard such clever rhymes as "Jesus, heals our diseases?" And, hey, they sure have lovely singing voices! Maybe these guys could get a lucrative recording contract, too?!

The leaders of this church to this day are still in court over mishandling church funds of up to US $46.3 million.

Dating Naked??

The Journey Church in Queens, NY has a great marketing gimmick to help draw people to "church", they're starting a new series called Dating Naked and they've sent out marketing flyers to homes and apartments near their "church" to let everyone know. That purposefully shocking title will be sure to attract people to their "church." As long as grabbing attention at any cost is the new evangelism, why not just pull out all the stops? "Preaching Naked" Come on Pastor, it's for Jesus!

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Idolatry starts with I

Did you know that to bring revival to a generation, you just need to "bend your life in such a way that makes Jesus willingly follow you?" Yes, apparently Jesus has been waiting all these years for a prophet like this guy to explain it correctly. We expect to hear about a gigantic and mighty revival as a result of  this teaching very soon, since Jesus must surely be following him by now. 

"Prophet" Micah Wood from the Ramp Church teaches how you can can start revival (5:40).

“Now the interesting thing is to me, there are many interesting things to me about God’s story – but one of the most interesting things to me is that all throughout the bible you find Jesus telling people to follow him: “Follow me. I will make you fishers of man. Drop down your nets and follow me. Follow me. Let the dead bury their dead. You follow me. Uh, you know, a man who sets his hand to the plow but looks back is not fit for the kingdom of God. You just follow me. Peter, don’t worry about what John’s gonna do in his life, you just follow me.”

All through out the bible you see Jesus saying, “Follow me. Follow me. Follow me. Follow me.”

But here we meet a man named Jairus who is a ruler of the synagogue who doesn’t just live in such a way to follow Jesus, there’s something about what he does with his life of worship that causes Jesus to follow him. That Jesus all through out the bible that says, “Follow me. Follow me. Follow me.” And He meets one man that Jesus does not just say, “Follow me,” Jesus says to him, “I’m going to follow you.” Because genuine revival and genuine awakening and the genuine purpose of God for your life does not happen when we occasionally bend ourselves or push ourselves where Jesus is. Genuine revival and awakening and purpose happens when we bend our lives in such a way that Jesus is willing to follow us. And for years and years we’ve had a concept that’s long as we occasionally put ourselves in the middle of whereever Jesus is then we’re doing good.

But what’s really doing good is when you so develop a lifestyle of worship that Jesus and the presence of Jesus follow you around wherever you go.”

HT - churchwatchcentral.com

We've Seen Midgets Grow

Robert Tilton, has the gift of "fake speaking in tongues" and falsely claims to be healing people of different ailments (including, but not limited to, making midgets grow) in this hilarious video. But when he yells at the camera "I don't make this stuff up!!" you just know he's telling the truth!

Lampooning Moses Cartoon "Sermon Opener"

The Crossing Church in Elk River, MN opened this past Sunday's "sermon" with this silly over-dubbed old cartoon. Why? We have no idea. Clearly, lampooning Biblical stories, in Eric Dykstra's way of thinking, is an important part of evangelism. "Hey, we still use the Bible and stuff, but we make fun of it, too. Do you like us now? Will you join our church, please?"

Call us old school, but we believe pastors who preach God's Holy Word should treat it as if it actually is God's Holy Word.

“As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace: whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God” (1 Peter 4:10–11)

BTW, the Story of Moses is NOT about Moses. It's about God and more specifically, its about Jesus.

Let's Get High?

In the truth is stranger than fiction category, Joshua Mills' latest "praise album" is entitled, "Let's Get High."

And NO this is not a satirical post. Here's the link so that you can purchase your copy of this album from Amazon.com.

30 Second Theology...From Commercials NOT The Bible

Super Bowl Sunday is right around the corner so how on earth can a seeker-driven vision-casting leader expect to compete with that? Well...here's an idea, preach on the "spiritual principles" found in everyone's favorite commercials! That's a sure fire way to draw a crowd! Remember when Jesus told His disciples to "attract a crowd anyway you can?" That was in the book of Distractions.

 But, there's one small problem: pastors are told by God's Word to "preach the word" (2 Tim 4:2). Apparently, Craig Groeschel doesn't think that applies to him. This church promo video is scraping the bottom of the ear-tickling barrel:

You Give Church a Bad Name

This is one of the most bizarre attempts at relevancy that we’ve ever seen performed by a pastor. When did pastors decide that embarrassing themselves was somehow good for the church?

This artifact of apostasy comes to us via Duneland Community Church, Chesterton, IN and features the creative attempts at relevancy of Pastor Greg Arthur. Sorry Greg, but this gives church a bad name.

Christian Worship Service or Pagan Dance Ritual?

This video was taken at Perry Stone's Church. We're pretty sure this isn't a Christian form of worship. In fact, it resembles the type of worship used for the Golden Calf. But, this time the Golden Calf has been replaced with a replica of the Ark of the Covenant.

Bizarre!! 

Mr. Sparkle's Sisters

This photo comes from Hillsong Dance (online source) and, well, there really isn't much to say... except, "my what sparkly costumes you have!" This is what every church needs. 

Hillsong's monkey business

From the same people that brought us Mr. Sparkle, comes...The Monkey. It's a whole new type of  "worship" experience. Or maybe it's just a silly dance/exercise thing?  

We're not sure, but we think we may have spotted a golden calf in there somewhere.

Aren't you glad your kids are off the street at nights and are attending, well... church?

- HT: www.churchwatchcentral.com

My Lame Sex Series Promotes Abstinence By Mistake

February is just around the corner and for seeker-driven "churches" that can mean only one thing: time to spice up your sex life for Jesus! Seriously, this video is so embarrassing and difficult to watch, maybe it's really part of a teenage abstinence program... 

'Ekstasis worship'?

Did you know Patricia King wants you to experience Ekstasis Worship? We will let Patricia King introduce you to this bizzarre worship experience:

"Have you ever heard the term 'Ekstasis worship'? No? Well many people haven't. It's a powerful word. It's a Greek word that means... well you'll find out in a little while. Because I want to introduce to you Caleb Brundidge.

He's one of our itinerant ministries. But also a worshiper with so much passion. In fact if you've been to any of our conference, you would see Caleb flagging and worshiping God and opening up the heavens and operating in a real breaker level anointing.

He is actually a DJ as well and leads a lot of Christian events and weddings and you know, High School events and things like that. So if you would like to know more about him, he's on our itinerant page on our website. But today, he's going to tell you about Club Mysterio and about the Ekstasis worship that takes place to bring those times of gathering together. So it's my privilege to introduce to you Caleb Brundidge."

She aired this following segment on XP media. (You can see Patricia King 55 seconds in.)

Here's a promo video to introduce people to Ekstasis "worship," where you "disengage the mind and experience God at a cellular level" (or maybe you just dance around a bunch):

 The Elijah List allowed Caleb Brundidge to explain his teachings more. To read more on this (and, surprise! buy his CDs), click here.

I'm So Catholic?

This video may be one of the greatest arguments against Roman Catholicism that we've ever seen. Well, unless a cheesy video can convince you of the theological merits of Roman Catholicism, that is.

Warning: you may begin humming and/or singing along before you know it:

Wrecking Ball of a "Praise Song"

Could someone explain to us the purpose of having a church's praise band perform Miley Cyrus's song, Wrecking Ball? Newspring Church, under the "pastoral care" of Perry Noble did exactly that.

Makes perfect sense if you think about it. Miley Cyrus is a paragon of Christian virtues and morality...cough...well... she was rated G years ago when she was Hannah Montana. But, clearly she's made some effort to shed the G rating and is now rated PG-13... no, R... no, is it X?

Video from Newspring's Church performance is posted below; notice how they projected the lyrics so that the people at Newspring Church could sing along, just like a praise song. This is done under the very mistaken idea that "we have to get unbelievers into church anyway we can!" 

A viewer comment from the YouTube page says it well (quoting C.H. Spurgeon): "A time will come when instead of shepherds feeding the sheep, the church will have clowns entertaining the goats."

Are you ready for the Word?

Founding pastor Brian Houston of Hillsong Church asked his Hillsong Church London, "Are you ready for the Word?" This was the response to Brian Houston's question:

 Did you know that Galatians 5:1 means Christ has set us free to "move it, move it"?

Here are some of the lyrics to the above song:

"We don't party hardly, we just party hard

And not because we're bored

We do it cos we're born again!"

This idolatry piece get's even weirder at 5:30, when Mister Sparkly makes an appearance. You've gotta admit, this is one amazingly elaborate and professional production. If attracting  a large audience and then whipping them into a frenzy is the goal, Hillsong is very successful.